That’s right… you heard me… this sucks.
I will likely look back upon this post and roll my eyes at what I whiner I am, but if anyone else reading this finds themselves considering or actually engaging in an extreme plan to eradicate their own debt, know this: as with anything in life, there will most certainly be ups and downs. And these past couple weeks have been especially difficult.
Perhaps it is the added stress of an exceptionally busy start of the year at work, the realization that I cannot, in fact, get my eyebrows right, or the fading away of the adrenaline from the honeymoon phase of this endeavor… I want to punch this mother f-ing goal in the face.
It’s Friday night and I am sitting at home, trying to make this complex excel sheet work for my budget. I am a combination of – again – proud of myself for cutting my expenses so drastically and securing additional employment, discouraged that even with all these things in place, this is still a huge mountain to climb with seemingly “no end in sight” and also realizing that this process can become quite isolating. Not because there aren’t endless options of things to do without cost, but rather I find myself generally refraining from making plans because I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I am inclined to spend money. I have a fun-filled weekend ahead: an afternoon hike tomorrow, babysitting in the evening and a family day on Sunday. So, what am I complaining about? That will all be lovely and align with my goals. Yet here we are… Friday night… I am not in Big Bear for the annual ski trip with my Nevada gang. I am not out among friends, toasting to another productive week gone by. I am sitting in my apartment, writing a public “dear diary” and marathon-ing Intervention (an attempt to remind myself that things could be worse… way worse).
In addition to this open expression of discontent, I would be remiss if I did not also present the flip side of the coin: my amazing, supportive friends, family and strangers. I have not held back a single complaint this week. I have blown up my friends’ phones with dramatic texts like “what is liiiiiiiife” and (direct quote), “I’m moving to another country. With different ideals. And the woods. Off the grid. Off the griiiid!!!” And the best part – my friends don’t really allow it. They may acknowledge the moment I’m having but it is quickly followed by “you got this!” and a string of the flexing arm emoji, or “It is going to feel so good when you are done!” or “Your hair will look FAB in 2016!” or a link to a Ram Dass podcast. There’s no “Well, why don’t you just bend your rules” or “Yeah dude, that sucks.” They are all about keeping me on track. How did I get so lucky to have these people in my life? And not to mention, the hilarious links and pictures they send that are just so darn uplifting. The encouragement and idea sharing I have received from strangers who happen upon my blog are also hugely impactful in their own way. It gives me a great sense of connectivity and keeps me going.
YET SOMEHOW… even with all this amazingness in play… it can still suck sometimes. And that really is like all things in life. And that is my message here. I tend to try to present the positive side to things in life and am therefore aiming to bring balance to the universe with this rant-like post. You’re welcome.
These past weeks, my thoughts keep going back to, “WHYYYYY didn’t I care more about money 10 years ago? Why didn’t I put this at the forefront of my decision-making process regarding career path, school choice, etc. etc. etc.” Among the “why why why” I remind myself to pause a moment. Because I have the answer. Money has never been my focus, because that’s not who I wanted to be. I have had the absolute good fortune of following my passions in life – dancing on cruise ships and traveling the world, realizing my childhood dream of performing with Disney, and pursuing a career that makes my eyes well almost daily as I witness the overwhelming kindness of others. I should be – and am – grateful.
I do realize that what I am learning in this grand exercise will serve me well and help me build an important financial foundation for my future. And I would not change a single thing about the decisions I have made. Any time I start to feel like I have “lost too much time” or will “never be able to ____,” I must stop, collaborate, and listen to the other voice in my head. The one that my peeps remind me of when I forget. The voice that tells me things are good. Things have been good. Things will be good. Keep working hard and loving others, and the rest will unfold as it may.
But still… Ugh.
Your souvenir photo from this rollercoaster ride is available for viewing and purchase at the exit.